Regrets. Tons of it.

I hate myself.

I was stupid. No, infatuation made me stupid. I won’t call it love. You toyed my feelings. I will never forget the pain you’ve caused me. Call me bitter but this is how I really feel.

I’m over you. I’m just mad at myself for not realizing your fake intentions. You are the person I should trust the least. You are an animal who is driven by instinct. You are irrational and therefore the lowest creature I’ve met ever since. I’m so over you.

One day, I’ll get even with you.

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These were the words I’ve written a month ago and have decided not to publish them. Now, I think and feel the same way. Nothing has changed; no matter how hard you try to ask for my forgiveness, I just can’t give it to you. It’s not because I’m still affected of what had happened, it’s a self preservation act.

What can I say? Now, definitely, I will change for the better. I will live life to the fullest and wouldn’t let anyone to pull me down – not even love or family.

I will fly.

 

*Graduation Creative Photo of mine

Last Day of Freedom

Today is Monday and absolutely, it is the last day of freedom to go eat and sleep like a pig, watch movies and tv like there’s no tomorrow and lie in bed with your head completely blank. Tomorrow will be the first day of classes of my last semester. Yes, i’m about to graduate this March, can’t wait for it to happen.
On the 15th – 18th of this month, November 2009, I’ll attend a youth engagement seminar to be held in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Guess what? this trip comes for free! But it’s not entirely free since I do have to pay for travel tax, terminal fee amd others. It will cost me around P 3,000 – 5,000 but its okay (airfare, small allowance and hotel accomodation are free already so I can’t complain). It’s a gppd thing that I did spend my sembreak teaching English to Japanese students.

I’m so excited! It will be my first time to visit Malaysia and its an opportunity for me to mingle with South East Asian Youths and of course, meet leaders who are succesful in their own fields such as Gary Kasparov, Randi Zuckerberg, Tony Fernandes, Nando Parrado etc. (for the complete list, visit this link).

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Lianne and I will head out to different malls today to buy some accessories she would pair with her lovely violet dress (I’m the one who bought it). She will use it on our cousin’s debut this coming 14th. I would not attend the party because of the next day’s out of the country trip. Boarding destination is at Clark Airport which is around 2-3 hours away from Manila plus the flight is at 11:40 am so I have to wake up early then – I can’t afford to have myself wasted on the 14th.

She plans to also buy shoes which I’m going to borrow and bring with me in Malaysia.

Yesterday, I went out to shop some smart casual clothes. I found a terrific blazer in an ukay ukay shop and a chic green blouse at the farmer’s plaza.I also grab a cute earphones from Daiso Home Shop and a pair of slacks from Shopwise Araneta.

So there. I know once again that classes will start tomorrow but my mind is off thinking about other things. Hay, I hope I do remember that Cess wants a copy of Glee Episode 8 and that I have to start working with PsycA’s venue for our upcoming quizbee.

I am really anticipating that this last semester would be a fun yet busy one. Woot.

Fun day :)

I would love to write a long blog but boy, I am so tired. So I will just leave you with this:

I had fun kanina. Mariel and I went to Cubao Expo to do some volunteer work. Our shift’s from 1 2- 4 pm. It was tiring but fulfilling. There were a lot of people, mostly coming from the youth sector. Then, we were about to go drop by the nearest Dairy queen to grab some dilly bars and go home when we noticed that there were a lot of people in Araneta Coliseum. Apparently, the ADMU-UE game was rescheduled this day. We decided to watch it and bought tickets.

We sat in ADMU’s side. I am not fan much of UAAP Basketball shiz but the game was intense. There were times that players were literally rolling on the floor just to get the ball. And there were a lot of steals. Plus Mariel decided to side on the Underdog so I was nervous throughout the game dahil baka mabato kami or something. I was able to observe also the cheering behavior of both schools. UE was inconsistently maingay cheering for its players whilst ADMU will only let a good crying cheer out of their voice boxes during glorious moments or kapag may nakashoot. Nakakatuwa din ang gestures ng “Get that Ball”.

for pictures: click here

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Tinek, Mariel and I would want to go tomorrow sana sa Marikina Sports Complex to do some volunteer work but decided na wag na lang because of Super Typhoon Peping. Grabe. Sunod-sunod na.

I hope everyone will be safe. May God Bless Us.

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Watched House season 4 yesterday and I must say that the season finale is love.It is awesome. Poor Amber. Poor Wilson.

{ music } Don’t Stop Believin’ – Glee Cast

{ show } Rewatching Winter Sonata

{ mood } tired

Ruined Schedule

Classes in UP Diliman is suspended accordingly until Friday. The Office of University Registrar will issue a memo regarding adjusments in School Calendar  - Chancellor Cao

I’m not sure if I’m okay with this. Bum mode, we meet once again. I have this tendency to be so unproductive during long long weekends. Semesters is about to end and requirements are piling up. I’m not that bad with cramming but I don’t want to end up losing my wits out. O_O

Instead of doing my homeworks, I watched House yesterday. I’m season 4 already and you have to agree that Chase is really hot. Haha. 

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My keyboard is getting worst. Now I can’t use the exclamation point, q, one, tab, esc, ins, del, arrow keys, pg up, pg dn, fn, end, home. 

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Andaming papansin sa YM(exclamation point). After signing out, they will sign in tapos paulit-ulit. Nakakainis. 

Monday Spree

kenshin_roxanne

NO CLASS TODAY! Haha. Hurray for me. I need this day to be free so that I will be able to finish all my homeworks and projects. I have to admit that I had been very lazy this Saturday and Sunday. Although I am already done with my PO in Anthropology 198 and 3/4’s done with my reaction paper in PI 100, still, I feel like I wasted that 2 days. If I am on a cramming spree, that 2 days is enough for me to finish my proposal in 160 and do my part in the 171’s final paper. But since the deadline is still far away, I would do it later, later meaning 3 days before the deadline.

Oh, I did watch (and I’m not yet through with it) Koizora this dawn. My circadian rhythm, as expected, would be in such a mess given the chance for me to stay awake at wee hours of the night. I just can’t understand the irony: if I am given the chance to sleep early, I would rather sleep late. But If I have exams or papers to finish that’s why I HAVE to sleep late, I feel like I need to sleep early, thereby compromising the quality of my paper plus my preparedness for the exam.

So Koizora was okay. I cried a few times because I’m a cry baby when it comes to dramatic story plot like someone would die (Hiro, the guy character died because of cancer) and that the couple would not be able to stay together, happy forever. I love tragedies and I love to cry because of the tragedies presented by the drama. Take note, only in the drama. I am not fond of tragedies befalling on my family. I guess I’m selfish since it’s okay for me to see other suffer otherwise if I would be the one to experience pain. This was reflected when I did ask myself of what type of sickness would I want to die with. I told my friends that I would rather have Alzheimer’s disease than cancer.

There. I would eat brunch and hopefully finish my reaction paper and start recording the PO I did yesterday. 

Hong Kong Trip

This coming March 21, Lianne and I will go to a trip to Hong Kong! This in partial fulfillment ng aming Chinese 10-11 class. Well, hindi naman siya required pero if you want to be exempted sa finals ay mag-Hong Kong ka na!

Supposedly, kasama si Bi-chan sa trip. Sobrang na-excite ako since romantic get away na rin siya. But na-ah, hindi na siya makakasama dahil nakalimutan niya na need pala ng passport! Nakalimutan ko rin siyang paalalahan about it.
At dahil doon, nag-away kami, as in terrible fight. Kaasar. Di na siya nagparamdam after our exchange of hurting words last night.

He thinks na I’m happy to go to this trip even without him but he is wrong, nakakadissapoint kaya. *sighs*

Medyo nawalan na ako ng gana. But I can’t cancel it or move it para maayos iyong passport niya at makasama, hectic na ang schedule ko after 21 to 23 dahil finals week na. Tsk. Tapos ayaw din ni mama kasi magmamahal na.

Hay. Sana magkabati na kami. I miss him so much.

Another rant.

Months have passed since I last posted on this blog. Fieldworks and endless pouring of papers made me busy a lot. I even have already neglected my responsibilities and obligation with UP PsycA. I took a time off from functioning for this organization. Thank God, my orgmates do understand that having 3 subjects in one semester that all requires field work is a suicide. Yes, psych 118, psych 108 and socio 101.

Would you even believe that I have 6 papers due on Tuesday? And hey, these papers are never easy. Requires a lot critican thinking. Oh well.

So why then I am blogging when I have many things to do left? I don’t know why, I miss ranting. I love ranting, having someone to listen to me even though he or she don’t even perfectly understand my situation. Haha, and you guess it right, I’ll blog about love hoping that he wouldn’t be able to read this. I have 0 % chance I think. Lol.

Yesterday, we celebrated the 3 months of being together. Won’t go much into details but here’s the catch, after quite some time last night, he suddenly acted cold towards me. Really, it is way cold. He won’t let me hold his hands without forcing him. And if actually I lose grasp of it, he would let go. When he was on his way home na after ihatid niya ko, I hugged him and he never hugged back. He was so cold, just like a corpse and it is so hurting for me when he’s like this. I keep on asking why and if he’s okay, he’ll say he’s okay but he doesn’t look at me. It was like his mind is wandering somewhere else; I can’t reach him, he’s too far.

What should I do dear bloggie? I’m lost. I keep on thinking a lot of negative things. I texted him a while ago and sadly until now up to now he isn’t replying to any of my messages. I hope he’s just asleep. I hope he replies. I hope he’s not mad. Sana bumalik na iyong warmth niya. I hope he still loves me.

Because I love him. Never been this so desperate and so attached to a guy. Nakakarma yata ako dahil sa mga ginawa ko noon by giving no regard sa nararamdaman ng mga ex ko. T_T

I can’t lose him. I won’t let him go. He’s mine.

>.<

Nonsense Post

Hahaha, according to Tinek’s professors in Philosophy 172, it is alright to talk about nonsensical stuff as long you know and you are declaring that what you are discussing about are in fact, nonsense.

Gulo no?

Can’t think of a “potential title” of this post. Can’t think of something coherent to write about. I just want to write lang. Haha, very random stuff.

1. Papers!

It’s really pouring, as in literal na inuulan ako ng papel. Feeling ko, ako’y isang glue na dinidikitan ng papel. And nafrusfrustrate pa ako sa paper ko sa philo 171. Hindi ko maaga ko siya natapos, day before my report pero super low class ng quality, talk about me being lazy to proof read and edit. Kainis, I feel like I’ve passed a very crappy paper. Pati sa Psych 108, paper’s quality was very crappy too which I think I can attribute to the lost of my PC. Hindi ako sanay na gumawa ng isang major paper kapag sa laptop. Naliliitan ako sa screen eh, very psychological no?

2. Keys

LOL. I just want to share. Hahaha, kanina, nagloving-loving lang kami ni Ning-Ning. Forgot to place my keys inside my bag. Mom went outside tapos 5 pm pa uwi ni Lianne. 3 pa lang nasa bahay na ako, este labas ng bahay namin, Can’t get inside kasi nga I don’t have my keys. Super nakakaawa yung feeling, kasi rain is pouring tapos nakasalampak na ako sa floor. Yung mga magigiting kong kapitbahay ay kebs lang. Hahaha, maldita nga kasi ako so it serves me well. Okay lang, Ning-Ning was there. Magkayakap na kami dahil sobrang ginaw.

Thanks Ning-Ning!

3. Eiga Sai

I’m so excited! Free films again to watch. Araw-arawin ko ngayon ang UP Film Center. I dont know kung manonood pa ba ako sa Shangrila since doon lang ipapalabas yung J-pop Anime Matsuri. Mukhang interesting yung story ng The Girl Who Leapt Through Time (時をかける少女, Toki o Kakeru Shōjo) tapos it will be followed pa ng Chibi Maruko-Chan: The Movie. Weee, anime anime anime.

Definitely aayusin ko na ang ischedule ko para mapanood ko lahat! Free naman eh. Ambait din ni Tita kasi she gave me a flyer which contains the schedule of the movies.

for the Eiga sai 2008 film schedule visit http://www.jfmo.org.ph/events_schedule.htm

So there, gotta blast. Hahaha.

19 years (the update).

I’m sleepy.

Yet I have to update. That’s what I’ve said to my previous blog.

Anyway, three of us (mom-me-lianne) end up not dining outside. We all felt the same: too lazy to even move a muscle. Just stayed in my room the whole day and had a date with my laptop *kisses laptop*

Yeah, thanks to the laptop, it kept me quite alive this day. Nothing so much had happened irl but a lot online! And I’ve notice something! People who greeted me online mostly are my online friends! Hahaha. That’s why I feel so different. I have online friends na pala.

And they are so sweet. Really! There are 2 suprising things I have received from them: one is the celebrant’s mitten and the other is the ruby! Talk about coincidence. Haha.

What else? Haha, ate lots of pansit. No cake at all. Mom was too lazy to go buy cake so she ended up buying pansit from a store somewhere near. Babawi na lang daw siya tom. haha. Now, I officially hate pansit!

And again I’m sleepy.

Wait, got a chance to talk to zensui` whom according to Lian, is japanese but he doesn’t know how to speak nihonggo, even the most basic words and phrases! Unbelievable! Poor him.

Had a short chat with Marc and Angelo. Marc even gave his cellphone number. He is always unli daw. If ever na I need kausap, he is just one text away..

Why bother? I’ll just text hubby. Hoping that he has a load to reply.

Currently Listening to: Gravity – John Mayer

Currently feeling: SLEEPY!

19 years. :D

19 years of existence.

Yet I have not found my purpose in life. Lol. XD Hahaha.  Yeah, I’m clueless. Always has been, of what Roxanne will be in the future.

Will I graduate Cum Laude? Will I enter law school? Graduate School? Or will I market myself early in the workforce? Look for a job, maybe teach in La Salle General Psychology or be an HR of a so-so company. Or I’ll end up working in a call center?

Tsk tsk. Moving on. Woke up really early. My phone keeps on ringing! Birthday messages are flowing and still is. Thank you all for remembering the day I was born! It was Lianne who greeted me first through friendster! She was very sneaky and I’m touched with her message! I’ll make sure that I will hug her later.

I’m contented with what I have now. Ata? Hahaha. I want a CAR! lol. Never mind with the continuous oil price hike. I just feel so light. So happy! HOWEVER, when I keep on remembering my report in 171, tsssss gives me headache. Hahaha. Lianne wants to dine out today. I prefer to dine out tomorrow. Lianne wants to eat in Dad’s-Kamayan-Saisaki along Edsa; I want to eat in Italianni’s in Gateway. Who will win kaya?

I have to treat pa pala TAE and the rest of the gang. I think ISAW will do. lol. That’s what a cheapsake friend is for. Bakit? Masarap naman ang isaw ha? Saka mura!!! lol

Then date with hubby. Hahaha! Natawa ako 60-40 ang hatian namin. Lol! I’ll wash pa his hanky. He forgot to get it back from me kahapon. And nagtampo pala si Yan-Yan! Why didn’t I pm her daw during the siege? Ano namang sasabihin ko? Yan-Yan! I’m in Manila! I’m with Hubby! Lol, what kind of message is that?

Anyway, will update later. Have to grab a bite. My big tummy has gone amok na.

Currently listening to: Shania Twain – Still the One (blame it to Yahoo Launchcast!)

Currently feeling: mixed emotions. lol